Occasional Observations

Dear Mr and Mrs Traveler,

No matter where I go, you?re always there at the airport ? and you?re always behaving like it?s your first time. Just what is it that you find so perplexing about negotiating airports? Is it something to do with the electro-magnetic interference from the security systems that causes your brains to freeze?

Here?a a handy set of tips for you to remember next time you fly. Try to pay attention now.

Passport control? YES, that?s right. This is you are required to show your Passport. Arriving at the window is not the time to start searching your pockets for it.

Security control? Yes, this means you will need to empty your pockets of all metal, take off overcoats, get laptops out of bags, surrender liquids, etc. I know you?ve been watching the people in front of you in the line with abject fascination for the last 10 minutes (ok, make that 20). Hadn?t it yet penetrated your consciousness that you too will be required to go through the same procedure? And yes, those keys hanging on your belt WILL set off the scanners.

Wandering around the airport: Do you HAVE to stand side-by-side without moving on the walkways and escalators? Don?t you understand those little icons showing that you should stand to one side, in order to allow others to pass you? And don?t you realize that your enormous suitcase is blocking the gangway?

Talking of which, baggage size: I know you don?t trust those baggage handlers, but believe me, your whacking great suitcase is NOT going to fit into the overhead locker.

Ready to board? Yes yes, I know you are. But why do you stand in an impatient herd by the gate for at least 10 minutes before boarding starts? Getting on first doesn?t mean you?re going to snag my seat, not does it mean that the ?plane is going to get there any faster. On long-haul flights, they board from the rear seats first in order to get people on board faster. That usually means rows in the high 20s, 30s and 40s. Believe me, it?s easier to get to seat 22H once the passengers behind have pushed and bumped their way past. A special award goes to EasyJet (NB this is not really a recommendation, you social media watchers at EasyJet) for fueling this fire by charging extra for ?speedy boarding?. Most of the EasyJet flights I?ve taken have involved a bus to the terminal ? so you get speedy boarding on board the bus. Nice! You?d pay extra for that??

Switching off your mobile: Yes, yours as well.